Thursday, May 26, 2011

Confession of a gay girl.

Some things you just can’t understand. I was born a girl, grown into a woman. A woman who likes women. But I didn’t ask for this.

My first memory of same-sex attraction was when I was 16 in my second-to-last year of school. A random comment made to me by a female friend, met my: “Why? Are you interested?” with a wide smile, raised eyebrows and…nothing more.

My twenties were spent shoving the “elephant” behind the curtain, attempting to hide it, purge it, deliver it, ignore it and lie about it. Addressing it became more of an issue than pretending it wasn’t there anymore – but truth won’t stay hidden any more than a candle can restrict how much light it emits. To be fair, it was a pretty big elephant.

My coming out was, for some, a huge insult to their outlook on life. It was an affront to the God I claimed faith in, loved with all my heart and wept before to please, please, please change me. Words were not needed; the disgust written in several friends' eyes was a visual megaphone. It made me realise how much effort we put into feeling accepted - and how much we deny ourselves the opportunity to learn who we truly are before being moulded into a form so unlike that which we were designed to become.

The difficult thing is that I’ve read all the arguments; the verses, the quotes, the discussions about being gay. I have learnt from challenges already faced and would be naïve to assume the battle is over. I know what it feels like to come eye to eye with something you fear and accept it really is real, no matter how much you’d like to escape it. Unfortunately some things can’t be explained or simply given a dictionary definition which will prove satisfactory to an inquisitive heart. In short, I don’t have all the answers.

I don’t know why. I sure as heck don’t know why me. What I do know is that my sexuality doesn’t define who I am. And it’s not that I “just haven’t met the right man yet”. I have a couple of extremely attractive male friends who would be perfect husband material! And it’s not genetics; abnormal chromosomes or “she must have excessive oestrogen”. And no, there’s no history of abuse – mental, physical, spiritual or otherwise – in my younger years, teens or beyond. I’m just me.

And to be honest, I wouldn’t want to be anyone else. This is my life; the adventure I’ve chosen and if I have to do it riding a rainbow, at least I know it’s going to be colourful.

20 comments:

  1. I love you Emily - or is it still Miss K? Haha Thanx for sharing this! Did bring a tear to my eye have to admit!
    Can't wait to see you when you come back!!
    - Loren :) - so not really anonymous haha xx

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  2. You are so talented Em. Beautiful piece of your soul. Much love to you on your adventure of life. xxx Jen Durham

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  3. I take my hat off to your courage. I hope you find much joy in living in freedom and not hiding away.
    Abigail x x x

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  4. Beautiful my friend. thankyou for those words. the way you have written this is how i feel too, but i could never put on paper how you so beautifuly have done. i know your pain and heartache, but also how it feels to be true to yourself and to not live a lie, regardless of all that people may say or do. thanks bro, you are never alone. so proud of you. love to you and yours xox

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  5. Your a wonderful brave person Emily. Unless I've walked in your shoes I can never comprehend your experience and vice-versa. xx

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  6. Definitely made my skin tingle with the raw feelings in this beautiful text. Love your work Em! And you. :) xo
    Kelly

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  7. Beautiful Em, you're an awesome woman, stoked you're brave enough to be who you are without excuses. Kia kaha
    Jess

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  8. Acceptance is a big word bringing with it love and happiness...wearing your heart on your sleeve ... reading your blog you are on the path to both. You are "just you"... :)
    Peace and love Uni

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  9. Always good to see someone tell everyone else what life is realy about. We are not all the same, it would be a boring place if it was.
    Peter

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  10. Thanks for the honesty and the words. While I wrestle with all of this, I too can live with the questions.......and trust God. I too like you want to live and face God not standing behind a cardboard cutout, and I think that's the way He wants it to be.That's certainly how He wants us to love each other and Him, out from the supposed safety of the cardboard cutouts others give us and the ones we think we should have or the ones we form growing up, which is a lifelong process. So Emily, thanks for this honesty, and the excitement of a journey and one that is not walked on an empty road and the closest one to you has dust on His sandals and His hand is held out for yours, and He loves you........and you know what ........so do I. I am friends of Jess and Sarah and just live down from them. Keep writing...it is so good to be able to write and think.

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  11. You are still loved and accepted. Miss you and our jasmine tea times!

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  12. The God my sister serves and believes in created you, and loves you, and wants you just the way you are. And wants you to be happy. Lesley.

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  13. Awesome post, cannot have been easy to write <3 Arohanui

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  14. Beautifully written, Emily. A lovely post. As your former journalism tutor I'm very proud . . . or would be if the apostrophe in par 4 was in the right place! ;-) Seriously though, while you've always seemed happy in your skin, I can now see why. You are a very wise woman.

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  15. Hey Emily....

    You are a friend of Jess's and I saw your link posted on her wall..... what a poetic gem of wisdom. I hope others read your story and feel a real sense of hope and inspiration... being who you are is not an easy journey but one which if you travel with love and truth you will find your way. All the best with everything in your life. With respect and admiration, Cindy :)

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  16. Thanks Greg ~ fixed! :D And to everyone else who has now read this, my appreciation. You are part of my journey too.

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  17. HOORAY !! big hug Edge

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  18. you go girl!! live the life
    rosemary neave

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  19. When I read - the first feeling was - someone hacked into my head and posted my feelings on "paper"
    You are amazing and brave!

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